Do you like your eyebrows? What famous person’s eyebrows do you like?
Life is just a series of things falling apart, wearing away or disappearing on you. Along with cars, clothes, and roofing materials, this includes body parts and accessories. Fillings crack, crowns fall out, hips have to be replaced, hair thins, and tattoos, though purportedly permanent, still have to be periodically maintained.
I just had my faded eyebrow tattoos replaced on Tuesday, which has me currently resembling Joan Crawford as they’re in the way-too-dark crusting-over stage of healing. I walk around snarling at the dogs, “No wire hangers!” In a few days they’ll fade back into the unnoticed background where they belong. I lost half an eyebrow when it was bissected by a childhood scar, and half of the remaining hair vanished due to thyroid disorder a couple decades ago, leaving just a little tuft of hair above my nose on either side. I am not the sort of person who can go around drawing on an eyebrow every morning. It’s demoralizing and it always comes out weird and never matches the other side.
The lovely lady who inks in my replacement and I will probably grow old together. She’s a kind soul who also replaces missing nipples for women who’ve had breast reconstructive surgery after mastectomy. She understands things like subtlety and blending, and no one has ever stared at me in horror after she’s filled in the missing brow and touched up the other thinning one to match, but the first cosmetologist I consulted was another story altogether.
She and I sat across a consultation table from each other, and while I tried to disguise my shock and dismay at her appearance she was frankly appalled by mine and wasn’t shy about showing it. With her dark cat’s-eye eyeliner, bold theatrically arched eyebrows and thick dark lip liner she looked like Elvira, and while all that dramatic adornment would have looked great on a stage actress from a distance, it was daylight and that make-up was fucking permanent. While I tried to think of a tactful way of explaining I really, really didn’t want to look like her she swept all diplomacy aside to give me her frank appraisal of my own appearance.
“Beauty is in symmetry,” she explained. “A beautiful face is symmetrical. And your face is so ….. off balance it’s disturbing. Your eyebrows frame your face, and your frame is … skewed. Look how much higher your right eye is compared to the left. Do you ever notice that people have a hard time looking you in the eye?” she asked, barely suppressing a shudder. (I hadn’t.) “You sit there talking to people all day, and they can’t even focus on what you’re saying because something just feels wrong to them and they can’t figure out what it is.” (Really, truly, I didn’t have any issues with holding people’s eye contact or attention, and hers was the only distractedly horrified gaze I’d ever dealt with.)
What she would have to do was completely remove both of my existing eyebrows by electrolysis, and then permanently ink in a more realistic pair. Nothing else would approach a normal or natural look.
Yes, this is the sort of thing women go through. I got out of there with my menacingly Picassoid features intact.
My cosmetologist and I laughed so heartily over this dramatic sales approach of telling unenhanced women they look like something out of a cubist painting she had to put her microblade down. Not surprisingly, Elvira is no longer in business.
Whose eyebrows would you like to boogie with?
What do you want to talk about today?
RSVPS
1. navajo, organizer (kosmail her to connect)
2. side pocket
3. kimoconnor
4. Lorikeet
5. remembrance
6. TLO
7. Glen The Plumber
8. jck
9. maggiejean
10. jotter
11. aha aha
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16. MAX ALLOWED HEADCOUNT.
MAYBEES :
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